Timeless Reflections!

He had always been bad at keeping promises. And yet, I knew, he'd offer me the skies and fight the world, for me. And I believed every bit of him. But, one of those promises he broke- it shook my world.

Yet, technically speaking, I can't really blame him. After all he had truly tried his best to stick to his word. I have seen his struggle and pain, in his attempt to not fail me. But yeah, that does not stop me from being resentful. For, at the end of the day, I had to succumb to the biggest disappointment, ever. And I am sure, I'd never forget, or let him forget, either. Or, I wish it were so. Sigh!

Speaking of the very few promises he made ( Yeah, he was smart to know that he was never good at them anyways), there was the time when we had gone shopping, at Colaba Causeway. He had never been good at bargaining. He was simply too soft hearted and sympathetic. I had the flair for the endless bargains. And, I had made him promise that he'd not interfere with my bargaining banter, and not pay behind my back. Having agreed to this, we hit the streets.

It seemed as though it'd rain any moment. He wanted to get away before the rains begin. And I had other ideas. After all, its not every other day that you get to drench in the rains with your lover. Plus, my shopping was just getting better. The price of 750 rupees had just come down to 300. And, I was firing away to glory. But just as the first droplets of the rain hit our skin, he shoved some hundred rupee bills to the shopkeeper and dragged me away, before I could even respond. The rain did drench us. But all plans of a romantic bollywood rain dance had been washed away. We (to be read in singular) fought like cats and dogs that night, and a few many more.

Another time I had made him promise to come with me to the SidhiVinayak Temple at Dader. He being the self proclaimed agnostic (or was it atheist, I really never listened to him), had never relented to step into any religious shrine. But with much persuasion ( to be read as blackmail, dadagiri and sheer nagging), he gave in, finally. But with a lure, for sure- That I'd be clad in a sari, that being something he'd always wanted to see me in. So as per our plans, on the great day, I draped my denim-hugging-tshirt-loving frame into several yards of golden silk.Satisfied with the final result, I stepped out of home, hailed a rickshaw and reached the temple at sharp 7am. I waited for him. The time was 7.15, then 7.30...8... 8.30...9...Despite my 100 odd phone calls, none picked up. Furious, I hailed a rickshaw back home. And at half past 10, I got his call. He had Over-Slept. And, for the next several months, I made sure that he never got any sleep. So much for promises.

And the final promise he never kept...

Date : 17 July 2008.
Time: 4.30pm
Venue: Cafe Coffee Day, Vile Parle, Juhu.

I sat fuming. As always, we had made plans, and he was late. My mind wasted no time to plan and plot heinous punishments for him. And then, my cell phone rang. It wasn't him though. I sat through the one sided conversation, that lasted for a few seconds, but seemed like an eternity. The cell phone slipped through my hands. I didn't bother. All I knew was, I needed to be at Nanavati Hospital - Critical Care.

I saw him, entangled in tubes and devices. I met his brother outside the ER. He was not good. The accident had been bad. And there was nothing much they could do. And he had been put on artificial ventilation. I wanted to be there, with him. I moved into the room, sat next to him. I looked at him, and I wanted to scream and yell and cry...It felt like he wanted to speak through his unconsciousness. I felt as though he wanted to say sorry...to apologize...to make up...to make me smile...And, I was sorry too..so sorry...

"I know you were always bad at promises...But, I did not know, you'd try this hard to break one..." I half joked, through tears.

I knew I had to let go...

"I am so sorry sweetheart...But I know I need to let you go...I need to pull the plug...Shall I? I promised you once, just once, that I'd never let you off so easy...But, now darling, I realise letting you go is the only thing I can do... Am so sorry for us, for those broken dreams...But am glad, I have had all the love, and today, I am gonna give it all to let you go...Goodbye Sweetheart...I love you..."
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I have loved him despite all those broken promises. I have loved him in spite of everything. And as I let go of him that fateful day, I realized that love is not about holding on. Its more about letting go. For, Letting go takes Love.

Yeah! That is just so very true. The simplest and easiest thing with me is to get hurt. I need no reason, no trigger, no situation. Nothing at all. At times I wonder if I am going insane? Or is it just one of those 'bad-hair-days'? The simplest of things now put me off. I can't understand what is happening. Nor can I express or explain myself in words. In this limited space, where I normally do type out a million words, I find myself falter. There's this fear now, and I feel averse to this blank white space, as though it knows more than what I want to give out, and threatens to give myself away.

Scribbles, ever so random ones, I cannot manage anymore. Suffocating, I am now, and the hurt has surfaced, all over again. And I know, I can go no more- so I ask, does it matter that I don't? Nay, it never did, I gather. No, I realise.