Hello Friends!


I have officially moved my blog to Wordpress!! I hope you will drop by at my new blog I, Me, Myself... Thanks a lot for the time and constant support here! Indebted to everyone of you! Thanks a lot :)

Love,
Sashu!

100 Things - A Tag


ABOUT U:
1. What's your name→ Sashu
2. Nicknames→ Sash, CK
3. Homeland→ Kerala.
4. Zodiac sign→ Scorpio
5. Male or female or transgendered → Female
6. Elementary→ Abroad.
7. Schools → 3 schools
8. Colleges → Calicut Medical College for Bachelors; BITS, Pilani for Masters (current)
9. Height → 5.4" :(
10. Hair color → Brownish black
11. Long or short → Intermediate for now
12. Do you have a crush on someone? → Hmmm ....yeah, since the past few years!!!!
13: Ever been in love? --- I am in Love.
14. Piercings → Yeah! Ears and Nose!! I love it :D .
15. Tattoos → Interested ....Someday!!
16. Righty or lefty → Righty.

FIRSTS :

17. First piercing → I don' remember even! :P
18. First best friends → A handful of them!! :)
19. First sport you joined→ Karate?? I quit too soon though :P If not, Basket ball at school
20. First pet → None .
21. First vacation → Hmmm...Guess it was to India (I were born abroad) :D
22. First concert → I attended? Too late, In college I gather
23. First crush → In first Grade - Mike :D
24. Eating → A foodie .
25. Drinking → Naah!
26. I'm about to → Go out.
27. Listening to → Shakira

LASTS:
28. Last beverage → Iced Tea at Coffee Beans :P.
29. Last phone call → Mr. Pea in half sleep.
30. Last text message → To a school friend, after ages.
31. Last song you listened to → Behind Blue Eyes
32. Last time you cried
→ A week back?


HAVE YOU EVER:
33. Dated someone twice → Nope, unless you count Mr.Pea and me, we have been dating for years now :D
34. Been cheated on? → Hope not :D
35. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Never ever!!
36. Lost someone special? → Yes... It still hurts.
37. Been depressed?→ Mood Swings are my second nature.
38. Been drunk and threw up? → Naah!

HAVE YOU:
39. Made new friends → Yes, always do :)
40. Fallen out of love → Well.. Some days I do. And then fall right back in!
41. Laughed until you cried → Yes... Almost always wen I laugh :D
42. Met someone who changed you → Yes. A friend.
43. Found out who your true friends were → Yes, still finding..
44. Found out someone was talking about you → Yeah, I like that :P
45. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → Yes!
46. Made the first Move → Lol...For what?? :D
47. Do you have any pets → Naa...can't handle pets.
48. Do you want to change your name → Never
49. What did you do for your last birthday → Just the normal. Party with friends at hostel
50. What time did you wake up today – 7.30 am
51. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Talking to Mr. Pea
52. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Getting married? :D :D
53. Last time you saw your father → Been a month :( I miss him
54. What is the one thing you wish you could change about your life → Hmmm... Nothing really! Am happy with all of this :) *Touchwood*
55. Most visited webpage → Gmail
56. Bribed someone? → Nopez. I charm my way mostly!
57. Played with dolphins? → At the dolphin parks, yes!

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → Absolutely
59. Want to get married ? → Can't wait :D
60. Careers in mind? → Scientist - Discover medicines!.
61. Settling in a Big Villa? → Naah, a small one would be just fine!
62. Day or night? →Night, no doubt!
63. What day is tomorrow? → GOOD Day :)
64. Challenges? → Complete my research in another 4 months time!
65. Drive with windows up or down? → Windows down, wind blowing...love it.
66. Scared of Death? → Mine - no. My loved one's - Yes!
67. Cook or Clean? → Clean
68. Lips or eyes → Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses → Hugs
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Both :P
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneous
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Nice stomach :P
74. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
76. White light or Yellow light. → White light
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → Trouble Maker.

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Not yet :P
79. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes, many a time - Glasses!
80. Found money on the road → No.
81. Sex on first date → Lol. He ain't that lucky :P
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes
83. Had your own heart broken → No
84. Held a snake? → Yes.
85. Been arrested → Hmmm... just miss :P.
86. Turned someone down → Yes
87. Cried when someone died → Yes ....
88. Liked a friend that is a girl/boy? → Eh?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Of course !!! I do.
90. Miracles → Yes. I believe in them!
91. Love at first sight → Never.
92. Heaven → Yes
93. Santa Clause → Love Him :)
94. Peace in this lifetime → All around me.
95. Kissing on the first date? → Possible; but not probable!
96. Angels → Kids
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes. With Mr.Pea :(
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time in the past? → Can't manage one; forget more than one!
99. You will die Young → at heart :)
100. Certain things are so important that they need to be discovered alone --> Shhhhhh...!!!

She had finally managed to get an off day from work, after weeks of hectic round-the-clock work at the hospital. Inspite of having made plans to sleep in late, her eyes opened to the six o'clock morn. Cursing her own circadian rhythm of waking up daily at six, she sat up on her cot. An entire day with no work seemed highly appealing. Smiling to herself, she walked out of her room. The quarter wing seemed empty, with everyone still in cosy slumber.

It was still drizzling; as it had when she had gone to bed last night. The rain sprayed itself on her as she walked over to the mess. A cup of coffee and the Hindustan Times paper in hand, she got back to her room. The raindrops fell at her window sill with a clunk, a voice she loved. Sipping the hot coffee, she skimmed through the daily news. Nothing ever interested her. As always, she tossed it across the bed, and switched her laptop on. It had been almost a year since she moved into this city. Kolkata boasted of colours, vibrant culture, fabulous cuisines and rich literature. It breathed a life of its own, and it was almost impossible for her to not fall in love with it. The melancholy of the Howrah bridge and the lushness of Victoria place; she loved every bit of it. It was as though the city read her mind, toyed with her mood and made her feel overwhelmed. And it had a lot many more reasons too.

While checking her mails, she found a name flicker on her chat messenger. Her fingers reached out on their own, typing out a hello. It had been months since she had seen that name in her list of online friends. He replied back. He had known that she had shifted to his city, she found out. But how, she did not ask. He spoke of his wife and family, his work and home and friends and life as such. She told him about her new research, her endless hours of hospital duty, her new life, her husband and lot more. He sent over his wedding pics, and they spoke about married life- about the good times and bad. Two good friends were opening up to each other after a while. A long while, indeed.

The coffee had dried out, but their conversation hadn't. She remembered the endless times she had heard him go on and on about his city, his Kolkata. She had known the nooks and corners of the city, even while she had never stepped out of Madras. The best sweet shops, the oldest of Indian Coffee Houses, where Tagore and his contemporaries used to have coffee and discuss literature and art; the dingy bookshops across the markets where first edition prints were on sale, unknown to most. She knew it all. She had always dreamed of being here and today as she sat in her room in the very same city, she thought of how ironical life was.

The entire afternoon was spent in the bank, and she felt doggone tired by the time she got back. The day had been kind of funny. She felt happy after her chat, yet a part of her bled of a hollow nostalgia. She decided to not waste more time, and began to surf data for her research. She was startled by a buzz.

"Hi. How are you?"

"I am okay." she typed back, wondering why he asked her so.

"But I am not."

"What? Why?" she typed out in a flash. She did not understand him.

"Everything was fine until I saw you today- your texts, the new display picture, and the new you... Knowing you are in the same city had been hard enough. I would see you online most often, but I'd always be invisible. I never wanted to let you know. Just one general conversation, and I am shattered, Yami. I know you are married. So am I; and I know I should not be carried away. I also know that I'd be back to normal in a while. But still, I don't know why, even after such a long time, you affect me. And, that too, to such a great extent."

She felt lost. She hadn't wanted to bother him, or cause him any trouble. It had been so very long, that she never considered such a possibility to have existed. Her fingers traced over the keyboard aimlessly. A pang of regret stabbed at her. She should not have initiated the conversation, she realized. Somehow, it hurt her.

"I am so sorry. I never thought it would be this way. It has been a very long time. I just could not not say hello."

"I am not blaming you Yami. It feels wonderful to know how you are, and what is happening with you. It really does. But at the same time, a part of me is reminded of what could have been, and what could not be. I am very much happy with my wife, my family, my work and life as a whole. I know you are happy and life is smooth, with your husband. I know the long distance might be hard, but at the same time, I know you are happy together. So am I. Life is good. Yet, today as you came in, fresh as ever, I feel empty. Maybe I am not as strong as you are. Maybe I never expected it, so the shock. I don't know..."

She sat back, a lump forming in her throat. She typed back: "I understand what you mean. Just as you said, we’ll go back to being normal, in a short while. It is just a moment of nostalgia, a rewind of those memories which never blossomed. Nothing more than that. So, please cheer up, and maybe another couple of years later, we'd talk again, and then we'd feel differently...or maybe we'd feel the same...But that does not matter. What matters are the present, the daily routine and the often boring normalcy of our lives."

"Yes. You are right. I am glad I have had those memories with you. I just have one regret. I want to see you once. Once in this lifetime. And at the same time, my mind says I don't want to; I should not want to, rather. And I know, I would not, too. Well...it’s been a long conversation. I guess I'd get back to the life, which I left behind, the moment I saw you online. Take care, Yami. You are special, and always will be."

"You take care too. I am glad that we both are happy and enjoying life. At one stage, I never thought you'd be. Nor would I. But time does heal a lot of wounds. Prayers, always. Until life decides to grant us a moment like this from the past, God bless!!"

"You too Yami... Wish I were as level-headed and strong as you are. You manage to move on so well. And I am so glad you do. Hope you have a wonderful life with your husband, and I hope you both get to be together soon. Take care. "

The green dot next to his name died away. She laughed at the irony of his statements, the irony of her life. Strong and level-headed; having managed to move on with life- ah, ironical. She shut her system down, and walked over to the veranda. The rain still drizzled on. She stood for a long time watching the raindrops die away, merging with the soil.

"Yamini, what is it in the rains that hypnotize you to such an extent?" she heard someone ask. Shaken up from her reverie, she turned back to her colleague.

"I have always loved the rains. I often feel as though the droplets fall for my sake... Just for myself...As though the rainclouds delve headlong into my thoughts, and rain my thoughts away... "

"As always, I cannot comprehend what you speak Yamini. Anyway, how is the groom-hunt going on at home? Did they finally find someone, who matches all your criteria?"

“Never."

She said no further, turning back to face the rains. And the rains lashed on in a new fury, as though the clouds were indeed reading her mind. And she smiled at the irony of her life!

- (c) Sashu 07 May 2010

Ever misunderstood. Never valued. His mind whirled, pausing at these often. Why was it that she never understood? Or, why wouldn't she even try to? He had no answers. It wasn't the first week of their relationship. It has been years, and yet why did he have to go trough the same round of cajoling and wooing, all over again, every time over again? It irked him.

Yes it did irk him, to no extent. But, not for the hours wasted, and not for the silliness. But for the reason that she never could accept him, or his love. She needed him like a drug - day in, day out. Not that he complained. But a little space, some alone time; thats all that he ever asks for. But then, things turn nasty, with all those tears flowing in. And his heart would melt, as though he could hold no more. And no matter what, he'd be on his knees, begging apology for her mistakes!

Lame, it all sounded to the listener. Stupid, it felt to the passive bystander. But he knew, there was more to it. He felt responsible at times. Maybe he fell short of her expectations. Maybe she wanted more. A lot more of maybes surrounded him, strangulating him. Why was it that the male brain's pride of sharp objectivity eluded him, whenever he thought of her? He had no answers.

The cellphone rang. He picked up her call, his mind still wandering on.

"Eh? Hmmm...Yeah..."

"What?"

"Hmmm...What where you saying?"

"Now what? What did I do?"

"Hey...Listen..."

Slam! Not again, he cursed under his breath. He could not understand why she had to hang up on him, for no reason. What was it this time, he wondered. Should he call back, or not, he debated. The idea of listening to the same old insecurities and the same old complaints did not lure him. He reached for his lap top and decided to surf the net.

He had dozed off. Startled by the call, he reached over and answered her. She seems normal, he thought. Maybe I needn't remind her of our morning call, he said to himself. He tested the waters asking of her day. She seemed not to be in her usual spirits, he gathered.And he decided to hang up before the fire starts, all over again.

"Listen dear, I have my exams coming up. I guess I'll go learn now. Was sleeping. Haven't studied anything..."

"You okay? Call me if anything. Take care"

Having hung up without a fight, he felt relieved. Grabbing his books, he walked over to his room. He felt calm. She remained as a faint backdrop to his memory, while his mind wandered through the books to the friends and the many million things that mattered to everyone of his gender. He placed his cell phone at an arm's distance though.

He knew that call would never cease to come!
.
.
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She smiled to herself, as she woke up to a fresh new morning. She leaned to grab hold of her cellphone, hoping to find his text or a call she missed when he'd called while studying late night. None. It did prick her a little. Always did. But she shrugged it off her mind, deciding he must have been so engrossed in his studies. And mollified, she dialed his number. The silly goose was still sleeping, she mused to herself. Finally he picked up. Sleepyhead! He seemed irked at her waking him up, that too after half past eleven. Abrupt; almost rude. She couldn't help show off her frustration. She hung up, listening to his promise of calling back once he was showered and all ready for the day..or what remained of it.

She danced her way through the day. Awaiting his call, that never came. She tried hard to resist the urge to pick her phone and dial his number through. Time flicked by. With nothing left to do, she rang him up.

"Hello..Why didn't you call back?"

''What? Hmmm...Yeah? Tell me..."

"Great. Now you ask me what? Wonderful"

"I can't believe it. Cant you even listen to what I am saying?'

"Oh..Forget it."

Slam! Her eyes watered, she felt disappointed. Maybe he was fed up of her. Maybe he didn't care anymore. Her mind speculated various reasons for this daily behavior. She could reach no conclusion. Maybe I am overreacting, he must have been busy with something, or there was some network trouble so that he did not hear with clarity; she debated with her conflicting thoughts. Maybe she keeps over-reacting, she thought. Deciding to give him some alone time, to cool off, she waited.

Time flicked by. She had found him active on his website an hour back. He still hadn't called her back. She decided to toss her ego out, and give him a call. He seemed guarded, she felt. She tried to ignore the cold aloof talk of his, and began to chatter away. But she was interrupted, almost too abruptly.

"Ohhh...Gonna study? Okay.."

"Aha...Okay..Go and study...No issues"

Slam! She felt the resentment rising in her.Sleep! Relax! Surf the net! Alone time! He could spend hours doing all that. But when ever she would begin a conversation, his mind would wander, and all off a sudden, he'd get this urgent need to study, to learn! She never understood that. She never believed she would, too.

She grabbed her copy of "Only Love" and read through...Her eyes never could resist peeking over for a text or a call.

A call, that never came.

He and She

Her eyes kept straying here and there, as though searching out something, or someone. Her manicured nails were painted red, he noted, as he sat sipping his cup of coffee, from across the table. Fidgeting, she sat, lost in some deep reverie. He had the urge to wake her up, to probe what was wrong, or if at all anything was wrong. But, he did not. He was not known to be a meddler; and he did not want to start to be one now. He laid his cup down, scooped all the files and documents strewn all over the table, and started to walk out. She did not even notice him. He felt anger rising in him, and yet, he knew he had no reason to. So, he stormed out of the cafeteria in a hurry, letting the door slam shut on its own.
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Shaken from her thoughts, she looked around. She realized that it was more than 20 minutes since she came in for her coffee. And not a drop of it was consumed. She lifted her coffee to her lips. Cold. She cursed under her breath, pushed the coffee mug away, and shrugged in exasperation. She needs help, she thought to herself. But who could she turn to? The ex-husband, of 12 years, who had suddenly packed bags and left, to Trinidad and Tobago? The mother who blamed her for every single mistake, every single step she undertook? The friends who never would lie for her, but would never hesitate to lie to her? Or her little boy of six, who'd ask her every night where Trin-dad-to-b-go was? Who was she to turn to? She swore filthy in her mind, for, she had no answers. Nor did she have any questions left, she realized to her dismay.
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His Facebook profile stared back at him. The photograph showed him smiling away. Mockery, he felt disgusted at his own reflection. The confidence of the picture gave him creeps. He read through his self-proclaimed introduction, and he could not recognize the person who he claimed to be. Someone called out to him over his cubicle. Hurriedly he closed his profile, and turned to face his friend. "What was that dude? A matrimonial site?" his colleague asked; curious. "No No... I was just surfing some stuff" he answered, all flustered. Okay, I’ll believe it (for now), he heard his friend say, amused, as he walked away to his cubicle. Damn, he felt himself angered, though he could not place why he would be so. Soon his desk was piled up with files, new tenders to be made, proposals to be made. His mind no more had the space to ponder over human nature, or at the least, his own.
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The clock showed 4pm. Time for her little one to be picked up from school. She shut her system down, grabbed her wallet and keys, and walked out of her room. She did not care to look at anyone one though she felt a hundred odd eyes piercing her. The lift never works, she muttered to herself as she ran down the staircase. Her car lay stuck in the parking lot, and she failed to hide her frustration. Yelling at the doorman, she demanded the other car to be shifted. The watchman obliged in a hurry, and finally she was out in the open. The Mumbai city traffic never disturbed her. She loved the bustle, the noise, the hundreds of vehicles, and thousands of people around her. Everything was dynamic. None cared to look at her, or judge her. Everyone seemed to have just one thing in their minds, to get going. She felt wholesome, she felt relieved and relaxed.
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"Mammaaa...you are late by 2 minutes and 34 seconds..." her son hurled his diagnosis at her. She could not help but smile. She scooped him up in her arms, and safely laid him on the front seat. After tucking the safety belt on, she said "Awww...Mamma is really sorry. Mamma had so much work at the office. I wonder if a jell-o could make you forget this." Winking at his mom, he said "Hmmm...I guess that would be fine. But do not repeat it. Promise?" "Promise baby. Shall we get going then?" He nodded his approval and the mother-son duo drove away. Their laughter seemed infectious.
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His eyes seemed to search for her. She and her once-bright eyes, and her infectious smile which had all off a sudden died away. He did not know why. Nor did he want to know. He had never wanted to be a part of her world, and still did not want to. But he never could understand why her sadness bothered him. It made him ache too. But he knew it made no sense. He heard a car drive in, and he looked down from his balcony. She was laughing; her eyes twinkled just as before. He saw her reach out to her little one. They were in another world; he smiled to himself. And then, he went back to his desk and hid himself behind the pile of files, the load of work pending.
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She got back to her floor, her son safe in his crèche with his evening friends. Once again she felt all eyes on her, except one. She looked at him, wondering why he never looked at her. Or for that matter, at anyone. Shrugging her doubts off, she smiled and sat to work. And for a change, she worked.
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He looked up. She was long gone. The office was empty. He walked over to her desk. It was shabby. It was sad, except for the couple of rare hours when she smiled, and worked, and created art. He flicked open the latest ad script she had made. It was the ad for a relaxing chair. It featured a boring man in a stingy cubicle, with a pile of files stacked on the desk. The man remained hidden from view, except for the fringe of hair on his balding head. His hands went to his hair in a reflex. No, he still had his hair. He smiled to himself and walked out. He called it a night.
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The fan swirled on, and the sheets of her script flickered in the wind. Pity, he did not wait to look through till the last scene.

Its Sunday, the 10th of January 2010. I am sitting in my hostel room. A cot and bed, thick blankets and a quilt. Jackets and sweaters, mufflers and scarves, gloves and boots - things that never had space for, in my wardrobe, or rather, in my life. Today as I sit back and think, everything seems like a contradiction to myself, or to what I wanted to be, and wanted to have. I would never say its sad, or bad. In fact it can be said to be way better than ever. But that doesn't stop it from being a prosthetic of sorts, if you get what I mean. It still hasn't settled in. It still feels like a part of me, sutured to me, and not borne with me, in me or by me. I ain't complaining, nor am I whining. I am just pondering over things. Just like that.

Pilani. A place I had heard of. A place that had been impressive for BITS. A place I never had any inclination ever, of visiting. And today, I am a part of this little town. I travel around with friends, I enjoy the lectures at BITS, I love the atmosphere here and I love the way I have fit myself right in. Yet, there's this part of me that says that this place doesn't really fit me. Instead, I have moulded myself to fit the place. End of the day, it makes no difference, I agree. But somehow I wish for a difference.

Friends. I have never had short of them ever in life. I am fortunate to carry with me, my best of pals, wherever I go. Despite the distances, and the marathon race of life, I know I can fall back and count on them. But somewhere along the track, I gave up on new friendships. I lost the base, I have let go of things, and people, all those little things that mattered at one point of time. Experiences bitter do change oneself, nay? As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. I guess its true. So I force myself to stay away. Be it from real life or virtual world. I have been hurt, and maybe I have hurt too. Somehow, I now believe in having a hand few of people whom you can trust your life with, than making a whole network of seemingly nice people. I know I may miss out on many a genuine ones. But I believe its not worth all the risk.

Cold. I may sound, don't I? Just got carried away. I know this isn't the right comeback write-up. But then, it ain't one too. I just dropped by my old space, to revisit some old memories. And then, I just knew I had to vent out. And I could have found no better space than this. So that's just about it.


A wonderful wonderful new year to everyone!!! :)

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