I would like to thank each and everyone of you. Your comments have always been a constant encouragement for me to pen down my thoughts! Thank you, once again. Over and over again. Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. Either ways, I'd be happy. And I know, I'd fade away (or already must have) into the backdrop of some faint memory of your life, the virtual realm of it; to be wiped off with time. But am glad, I have been there, be it for a mere moment! That's what makes living all this worthwhile :) Love to everyone! Prayers, always :) God bless!!
Don't want to sign off with a Goodbye. So let me say So Long...Until we meet again!! :)
Yet, technically speaking, I can't really blame him. After all he had truly tried his best to stick to his word. I have seen his struggle and pain, in his attempt to not fail me. But yeah, that does not stop me from being resentful. For, at the end of the day, I had to succumb to the biggest disappointment, ever. And I am sure, I'd never forget, or let him forget, either. Or, I wish it were so. Sigh!
Speaking of the very few promises he made ( Yeah, he was smart to know that he was never good at them anyways), there was the time when we had gone shopping, at Colaba Causeway. He had never been good at bargaining. He was simply too soft hearted and sympathetic. I had the flair for the endless bargains. And, I had made him promise that he'd not interfere with my bargaining banter, and not pay behind my back. Having agreed to this, we hit the streets.
It seemed as though it'd rain any moment. He wanted to get away before the rains begin. And I had other ideas. After all, its not every other day that you get to drench in the rains with your lover. Plus, my shopping was just getting better. The price of 750 rupees had just come down to 300. And, I was firing away to glory. But just as the first droplets of the rain hit our skin, he shoved some hundred rupee bills to the shopkeeper and dragged me away, before I could even respond. The rain did drench us. But all plans of a romantic bollywood rain dance had been washed away. We (to be read in singular) fought like cats and dogs that night, and a few many more.
Another time I had made him promise to come with me to the SidhiVinayak Temple at Dader. He being the self proclaimed agnostic (or was it atheist, I really never listened to him), had never relented to step into any religious shrine. But with much persuasion ( to be read as blackmail, dadagiri and sheer nagging), he gave in, finally. But with a lure, for sure- That I'd be clad in a sari, that being something he'd always wanted to see me in. So as per our plans, on the great day, I draped my denim-hugging-tshirt-loving frame into several yards of golden silk.Satisfied with the final result, I stepped out of home, hailed a rickshaw and reached the temple at sharp 7am. I waited for him. The time was 7.15, then 7.30...8... 8.30...9...Despite my 100 odd phone calls, none picked up. Furious, I hailed a rickshaw back home. And at half past 10, I got his call. He had Over-Slept. And, for the next several months, I made sure that he never got any sleep. So much for promises.
And the final promise he never kept...
Date : 17 July 2008.
Time: 4.30pm
Venue: Cafe Coffee Day, Vile Parle, Juhu.
I sat fuming. As always, we had made plans, and he was late. My mind wasted no time to plan and plot heinous punishments for him. And then, my cell phone rang. It wasn't him though. I sat through the one sided conversation, that lasted for a few seconds, but seemed like an eternity. The cell phone slipped through my hands. I didn't bother. All I knew was, I needed to be at Nanavati Hospital - Critical Care.
I saw him, entangled in tubes and devices. I met his brother outside the ER. He was not good. The accident had been bad. And there was nothing much they could do. And he had been put on artificial ventilation. I wanted to be there, with him. I moved into the room, sat next to him. I looked at him, and I wanted to scream and yell and cry...It felt like he wanted to speak through his unconsciousness. I felt as though he wanted to say sorry...to apologize...to make up...to make me smile...And, I was sorry too..so sorry...
"I know you were always bad at promises...But, I did not know, you'd try this hard to break one..." I half joked, through tears.
I knew I had to let go...
"I am so sorry sweetheart...But I know I need to let you go...I need to pull the plug...Shall I? I promised you once, just once, that I'd never let you off so easy...But, now darling, I realise letting you go is the only thing I can do... Am so sorry for us, for those broken dreams...But am glad, I have had all the love, and today, I am gonna give it all to let you go...Goodbye Sweetheart...I love you..."
.
.
.
I have loved him despite all those broken promises. I have loved him in spite of everything. And as I let go of him that fateful day, I realized that love is not about holding on. Its more about letting go. For, Letting go takes Love.
Scribbles, ever so random ones, I cannot manage anymore. Suffocating, I am now, and the hurt has surfaced, all over again. And I know, I can go no more- so I ask, does it matter that I don't? Nay, it never did, I gather. No, I realise.
Labels: personal
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Not that am aware of.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last week I suppose
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Not reeli...!
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Definitely!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
At times... Depends!
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. :)
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Ab-so-lute-ly!!!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
None!!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yeah if they have laces...
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Anythingggggggg Stawbellyyyy!!!
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hmmm... The overall personality I guess!
15. RED OR PINK?
Red
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORlTE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Escapism.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Mr.Pea :(
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Not reeli. Upto each one!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Umm...Am wearing blue track pants. Am barefeet.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Jagjit Singh's Ghazal.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Black
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Johnson n Johnson's Baby Cream, Smell of earth after the first rain, Smell of his aftershave and Davidoff's coolwater.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Amma
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Oh definitely yes ! :)
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Errr... Nuthin at all to be frank!
27. HAIR COLOR?
Brownish Black.
28. EYE COLOR?
Black
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nopes
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Anythin amma makes
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Can't remember..Ain't a movie buff!
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Red
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No idea.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Ppl I dont tag ;)
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Doestovesky's Idiot
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Not using a mouse for my lappy.
Labels: Tag
100 Things about Me
- ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
- WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
- DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
- WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
- WHAT DO YOU MISS?
- WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
- HOW TALL ARE YOU?
- DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
- DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
- THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
- WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
- WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
- WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
- COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
- FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
- IF YOU COULD EAT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
- HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
- WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
- DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
- ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
- FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
- WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
- DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
- WHAT KIND IS IT?
- WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
- SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
- BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
- FAVORITE QUOTE?
- FAVORITE PLACE?
- HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE INDIA?
- YOUR WEAKNESSES?
- MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
- FIRST JOB?
- EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
- DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?
- WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
- HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
- WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
- HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
- HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
- WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
- WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
- WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
- DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
- WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
- ANY BAD HABITS?
Also, I am someone with a lotta mood swings, and when I am irritated, you are better off staying a mile away from me...!
- ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
- IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
- DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
- DO LOOKS MATTER?
- HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
- WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
- WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
- HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
- WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
- DO YOU USE SARCASM?
- MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
- WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
- WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
- FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
- WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
- DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
- PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
- WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
- DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
- WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
- LAST THING YOU DRANK?
- LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
- THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
- WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
- FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
- FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
- HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
- WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
- EYE COLOR?
- SHOE SIZE?
- FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
- FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
- WHO WERE YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL?
- FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
- PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
- POLITICAL VIEW?
- KISSES OR HUGS?
- RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
- WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
- WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
- WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
- DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE
(Touch Wood)
Labels: Tag
I found the plates wiped clean, and the bowls almost empty. I looked around for you. All over the place. In vain. I rushed to the open, looking for you. The ightening struck random. I stood, dripping wet. Just then, I watched you step out of the rickshaw, your white shirt sticking onto you. I stood still, almost reluctant to believe my eyes. You pulled me to you. Together we got back home. You told me that it could have been a fiction of my imagination. I shrugged my shoulder, in acceptance.
I walked over to the kitchen, sighing. I'd have to prepare dinner, all over again. But, on the table, I saw everything set. You told me that i indeed fell into a hallucination of some sort. I had no words to object. So I smiled, and offered to get you some warm clothes. Then, after a while, toghether we sat at the dinner table. The meal was very simple, yet we shared our laughs.
The rain still hadn't ceased. The fury or the romance, was it? I wondered. The doors had to be bolted shut, for the night. I peeked out just before closing it. That was when I saw it- a black darned umbrella and a cone of peanuts, wet. I picked it up, and brought it to you. You told me that someone could have placed it near our doors by mistake. I nodded, though hesitant to believe so. I placed it outside our doors, and latched the door shut.
The next morning, I had almsot forgotten of the night's happenings. I went to the kitchen, a fresh day of chores waiting for me. It was quite a while after, that I heard you call for me. I came out to the open patio outside. You had in your hand, the umbrella, and the peanuts, still soaked in yesterday's rain. But what caught my eyes was the wet paper in your hand. It had a portrait of a lady with a candle in her hand. And I knew it was just me.
We stood in silence and surprise, for a while. You had excuses so many and pulled me in, saying it was not meant for us. I did not respond. We walked back home. What you never noticed was that I held with me, those souveniers - the darned umbrella, the old parchment and the cone of soaked peanuts.
And, I have saved it up, for always. For a rainy day, as its said!
Labels: story
There lies a pile of wreckage of what I called, home, until a few days ago. "Where do I find you?" I ask myself. I frantically search through souveniers of our life, crumpled in the quake. The hunger pangs strike again. I search, frantic- and, I find you.
And I tear at your flesh.
Hunger.
P.S : About 55 Fiction
A literary work will be considered 55 Fiction if it has:
- Fifty-five words or less (A non-negotiable rule)
- A setting,
- One or more characters,
- Some conflict, and
- A resolution. (Not limited to moral of the story)
Labels: story
ENTP, Originator, Intellectual
Personality Type
Extraverted | Introverted | ||||
Sensing | Intuition | ||||
Thinking | Feeling | ||||
Judging | Perceiving | ||||
iNtuition
Thinking
Perceiving
Temperament
NT (Intellectual)
ENTP Population
Total: 3%
Male: 4.5%
Female: 1.5%
Primary Function
Extraverted Intuition
Secondary Function
Introverted Thinking
Tertiary Function
Extraverted Feeling
Least Function
Introverted Sensing
ENTP - The "Originator"
ENTPs are logical, innovative, curious and downright inventive. They see possibilities for improvement everywhere and possess the ability to understand complex concepts. ENTPs are introspective and carefree nonconformists. They often neglect the more common areas of life while pursuing new solutions. ENTPs can be good conversationalists and exciting company.
ENTPs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Originator/Intellectual personality.
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Profile: ENTP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005
"Clever" is the word that perhaps describes ENTPs best. The professor who juggles half a dozen ideas for research papers and grant proposals in his mind while giving a highly entertaining lecture on an abstruse subject is a classic example of the type. So is the stand-up comedian whose lampoons are not only funny, but incisively accurate.
ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills. They tend to have a perverse sense of humor as well, and enjoy playing devil's advocate. They sometimes confuse, even inadvertently hurt, those who don't understand or accept the concept of argument as a sport.
ENTPs are as innovative and ingenious at problem-solving as they are at verbal gymnastics; on occasion, however, they manage to outsmart themselves. This can take the form of getting found out at "sharp practice"--ENTPs have been known to cut corners without regard to the rules if it's expedient -- or simply in the collapse of an over-ambitious juggling act. Both at work and at home, ENTPs are very fond of "toys"--physical or intellectual, the more sophisticated the better. They tend to tire of these quickly, however, and move on to new ones.
ENTPs are basically optimists, but in spite of this (perhaps because of it?), they tend to become extremely petulant about small setbacks and inconveniences. (Major setbacks they tend to regard as challenges, and tackle with determin- ation.) ENTPs have little patience with those they consider wrongheaded or unintelligent, and show little restraint in demonstrating this. However, they do tend to be extremely genial, if not charming, when not being harassed by life in general.
In terms of their relationships with others, ENTPs are capable of bonding very closely and, initially, suddenly, with their loved ones. Some appear to be deceptively offhand with their nearest and dearest; others are so demonstrative that they succeed in shocking co-workers who've only seen their professional side. ENTPs are also good at acquiring friends who are as clever and entertaining as they are. Aside from those two areas, ENTPs tend to be oblivious of the rest of humanity, except as an audience -- good, bad, or potential.
What does Success mean to an ENTP?
ENTP personalities are motivated by possibilities. They love the outside chances; the new or unusual combinations lurking within the ordinary everyday world of things and ideas. For them, something is always on the up, something is always tantalizing their desire to re-orchestrate life into new patterns and shapes; new ways of fulfilling what can be as strong as a never ending desire to beat the odds and win at every game in town, or as mild as a quirky personal need for constant variety and change. With their thinking tied to the myriad possibilities they see in the world, they act swiftly and decisively upon those angles, choices and combinations scarcely noticed by other types, but through which they can build whole new frameworks or completely redefine an existing external situation in such a way that it appears new, revitalized and once again full of promise. Sameness, stasis, conservatism - even daily routine - can be loathsome to fervent ENTPs, whose drive is always to be into something new, different and full of fresh possibilities, and who, given the opportunity, will always be the first to show others a new path to success in a venture, or to find a way of doing something that no-one has done before.
ENTP people measure their success by their “aha” moments, by the sense of satisfaction which comes as they spread their newly written maps before them and contemplate the new adventure, design, investigation or conquest which has now become their road ahead. What has gone before, previous achievements, ways of living - even people met along the way - are often now forgotten or considered passé, mere steps along a path which has now brought a new frontier to be exploited for its gifts. Whether it is the search for knowledge, money, power, fame or pleasure, the ENTP will be found at the frontline, gazing into the distance and discovering new avenues toward, bigger, better or more satisfying outcomes.
ENTPs are the great problem solvers, discoverers and re-inventors of the world. Their insights into the world around them, their ability to see new ways of putting things together and making them work can bring them great success in virtually any industry or human pursuit that interests them. For this reason the ENTP is happiest in situations where they can use their intuitive powers freely and have the space in which to think upon the aspects and angles which come to them. Without fulfilling work and the freedom to use their mind most productively, ENTPs can quickly tire of a limiting situation. For this reason an open road toward success is an extremely important factor in the ENTPs life. Some, given a little opportunity, will clear one for themselves, but of all the types, it is the ENTP who has most need to be aware of the life and career situations they might commit to without sufficient thought for the future.
Typically good-natured, upbeat and laid-back, ENTPs can be delightful people to be around. They get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from interacting with others, and especially enjoy discussing and debating theories and concepts which interest them. They may be prone to initiate arguments because they so enjoy the debate. They are generally fun-loving and gregarious, and can be quite charming. They have a problem with sometimes neglecting their close relationships when they become involved in the pursuit of a new idea or plan.
ENTP Strengths
* Enthusiastic, upbeat, and popular
* Can be very charming
* Excellent communication skills
* Extremely interested in self-improvement and growth in their relationships
* Laid-back and flexible, usually easy to get along with
* Big idea-people, always working on a grand scheme or idea
* Usually good at making money, although not so good at managing it
* Take their commitments and relationships very seriously
* Able to move on with their lives after leaving a relationship
ENTP Weaknesses
* Always excited by anything new, they may change partners frequently
* Tendency to not follow through on their plans and ideas
* Their love of debate may cause them to provoke arguments
* Big risk-takers and big spenders, not usually good at managing money
* Although they take their commitments seriously, they tend to abandon their relationships which no longer offer opportunity for growth
ENTPs as Lovers
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May
ENTP's goals for their intimate relationships are similar to their other personal goals: improvement and growth. They constantly ask themselves questions such as: How can the relationship be improved? Where is the relationship headed? Am I growing in the relationship? They are likely to enthusiastically embrace new ideas and projects for themselves and their mates which they feel will propel them along their goal for growth and knowledge discovery. The ENTP's general enthusiasiam and good intentions are usually quite positive and healthful in a relationship.
A problem area for ENTP's is their tendency to not follow through on their schemes. This can be frustrating to their mates. It may also create a "boy who called wolf" syndrome in their relationships, with their partner never believing that the ENTP will actually do what they say they'll do.
Another potential problem area is the ENTP's general tendency towards "wildness" and willingness to take risks. They may lead the family into uncomfortable financial situations, which can be quite stressful on intimate relationships.
Sexually, the ENTP is enthusiastic and interested in positive, constant growth for both partners. They're likely to be very attentive, involved, and questioning. They enjoy spontaneity rather than fixed schedules, and fully embrace new ideas and adventures. They're likely to approach intimacy as more of a physical act which conveys affection, rather than as an opportunity to explicitly express affection.
In general, ENTP's childlike enthusiasm and genuine interest in the health and direction of the relationship makes them willing and able to promote healthy, growing relationships with their significant others. They need to watch out for their tendency to be unaware of what others are feeling, and to inadvertantly neglect their relationships when faced with exciting possibilities that are external to their personal life.
Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENTP's natural partner is the INFJ, or the INTJ. The ENTP's dominant function of Extraverted Intuition is best matched with a personality that is dominated by Introverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?
ENTPs as Parents
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran
With their fun and upbeat natures, there's a little bit of kid inside all ENTPs. They approach parenthood with a fun-loving attitude which has a serious underlying goal: to make everything a learning exercise (for themselves as well as for their children) which promotes the child's growth into an independent, logical thinker.
The ENTP is likely to be somewhat inconsistent about spending quality time with their children. One minute they will exhibit a lot of interest and enthusiasm towards being around their kids, and will display a great deal of affection for them. However, as soon as they get caught-up in one of their grand schemes for improving a system somewhere, they're likely to inadvertantly neglect their kids.
ENTPs as Friends
ENTPs can get along with almost all other types of people. They are intuitive about what makes others tick, although they generally lack the ability to sympathize or relate to others who do not see things the same way as the ENTP. They are flexible and easy-going, and genuinely enjoy interacting with others.
Although the ENTP is able to get along with a wide variety of people, they are likely to choose to surround themselves with people who are intelligent, capable, and idea-oriented. They love nothing better than engaging in a good debate with someone who can hold their end of the conversation. This will stimulate and energize the ENTP, who is highly competitive and loves to discuss theories.
Sometimes the ENTP falls into the habit of practicing "one-upmanship". If this goes unchecked, it may cause a problem with friendships and close interpersonal relationships.
Labels: personal
There are things and things to do, in this life. Here are some of the few things I'd want to do, some of the people I'd want to meet, places I'd want to go, or experiences I'd want to savour...!! Sharing some of those, in random order!! :)
Labels: personal
The morning is a few hours away. I can't wait to wake you up with a coffee. I know by mind, the expression you'd have on your face. A shrug, and a sigh. How fast the time speeds by, nay? The feeling of wanting, and the feeling of not having. I love to see the torture. I like it when you hate to leave me. I love the sense of power I possess. I love it.
Do you know why I never come to wave you bye? Because I feel weak when I see you go. I feel that I shrink back into being the loner I am. I need to have you around. Not for security, not for love. Yes, I have no shame in saying I don't love you. I need you to feel powerful. I need you to mask my weakness. I thrive by gaining power from your weakness. So I never come to see you off.
As you stir awake, I smile. I am the queen, once again. Even the night scares me. Even sleep scares me. What if I go back to being the weakling I am? What if I get no more of you?
"Good morning love. I hate to leave. Is it time already?" You ask as your arms reach out for me. I smile and move in close to you. "Hmmmm... Yes, am afraid it is time." I murmur. I can see the bitterness in your eyes, and I feel calm, all over again. Everything seems fine. I know, you'll be back.
I know.
I know.
Labels: story
It has been 14 years since we last met. Do you remember? That misty dawn of December, when you had come running to my Hostel Block. I remember being woken up so early by my room mate saying you were waiting for me at the visitor's lounge. I remember walking up to you, groggy and still sleepy. I remember the look of horrid pain in your eyes, and all I knew that moment was I could never see you in pain. I wanted to take you in my arms, and tell you that everything is fine. I wanted to promise you that everything would go fine. But all I did was stare at you, helpless. You threw yourself onto me, sobbing uncontrollably. I held you close. I could smell the coconut oil in your hair mixed with fresh sweat. Your slender frame fit easily in my arms. I felt as though I held my world in my arms. Gently I pulled away. Your eyes tore my heart. You told me about your father's call and how you were being called back home. I did not understand the graveness of the situation. I thought he wanted you home for a while, and eventually you'd be back. After all you still had 4 months of college left. How could he not send you back? I offered to take you home myself. But, I had got the point completely wrong.
You had come to me, to never go back. I never realized it. I saw the brief shock register. I did see the terror in your eyes, and how you turned away from me. I took your hands in mine, and asked if everything was alright. You told me that your father wishes to get you married off to someone from your village. I couldn't get myself to believe that. I argued with you, saying it could never possibly be. After all you had never met the man, and you were just 21. You were one of the best students in the college, and your studies hadn't finished yet. And moreover, you were never informed of any plans before. And then you received a call saying you were to be married to someone and that too the very next week. It seemed impossible to me. I realize, I had been insensitive and immature then.
Your eyes were red and sore. The tears never stopped. I didn't know what to do. I was still at college, barely 21. I knew that I wanted you more than anything else. But, I didnot know what I could have done. I held you in my arms, and sat speechless. The visitor's lounge was soon filled with people, and we decided to go out for a walk. I rushed to my room, and in a while we were walking along the winding road towards the Mussorie Lake. We had spent quite an awful lot of our college days there. But unlike all other times, there was no laughter, and no playfulness. The air was suddenly cold, and chilly. The lake was suddenly a reflection, that showed two lonesome hearts, in turmoil. We sat at our favorite spot, beneath the litchi tree. Time sped by, without either of us realizing. There was nothing I could offer you. I did not know what I could do, to stop you.
You turned to me smiling, bittersweet. I held you close, once again. I tipped your face up to mine, and leaned over to kiss you. Your eyes were closed. I could see the little mole above your lips and the thick eyelashes you always loved to bat. Your eyes were sore, I knew. I gently kissed your eyelids. I felt the sadness in me welling. I knew this could possibly be our last time together. You sensed it too I realized. You held me so close, and my hands wrapped around you. I wanted to never let go. Gently, my hands roamed over your body, shivering. I was filled with a sense of sadness and love. You gave yourself up to me. We made love for the very first time. The breeze soft, chilled our skin. Yet, in the warmth of our bodies, we found comfort. I remember the softness of your skin, the warmth of your body. You were so tiny, and slender, and we fit each other just perfect.I remember the contours of your breasts and the depth of your navel. I remember the taste of your skin, the fragrance of you. I remember the calm of the lake, and the frenzy of our heartbeats. But every time ever since you left that eve, I could only remember the drop of tear that spilled when you kissed me the very last time, before turning away from me, forever.
I have been always held down by the weight of that drop of tear. As I felt the tear touch my skin, I realized in all certainty that I had lost you, forever. I stayed near the litchi tree that whole night. Your fading image filled my eyes, over and over.
I wonder are you thinking just the same, now? I can never ask, can I? The time has sped by. You still look pretty, with that mole that shifts when you smile. And you still have the lustrous black hair, with your special grays. I wish the breeze would carry over to me, the fragrance of coconut oil in your hair. I have missed it, I really have. All this while. I find that you have out on a few pounds onto your once slender frame. It looks good. Age looks good on you. I wish you were with me, growing old together. Ah! How I wish....!
I answer your queries politely. You introduce me to your husband, and your little girl. I kneel down, to talk to your child. She looks so beautiful. A drop of tear falls out of my eyes, as I kissed her on her forehead. And as I come up to my height, I find your smile. And, I feel the gush of cool air around me, as though I have been freed, as though I have been sanctified. You smile and wish me luck, before turning away to join your family. I stand at the platform watching you board the train.Watching the train starting to move, I find your little girl waving at me, in sheer joy. And then you smile one last time.
Your image has faded away, once again. But this time, no tears have spilled from my eyes. I feel calm, and happier than I have ever felt in ages. You have just set me free. All I needed was your smile...
Labels: story
Now getting back to the tag, let me just give a quick review regarding the actual rules. And let me add on a disclaimer here. I am nasty with rules, and I bend them much to my liking! So if that happens here, I am not to be blamed please!
The Random Tag Rules : Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to link the person who tagged you.
So, here goes the odd random trivia regarding myself :P
1. I am a Hypochondriac.
Lol! A mild case rather. Having to learn of all the umpteen diseases and medicines and blah blah, I can't be blamed, right? If I find something a wee bit out of order, or feel like it, I go hay wire, wondering -
Oh it could be this. Or, rather, could it be that. Hey wait, maybe am overreacting. But, what if...? The questions are endless. But then, it doesn't last that long either. I normally tend to forget about all the so-called symptoms in a jiffy. But I sure am growing out of this hypochondria thingy. Phew!! That is such a huge relief, really!
2. I kinda expect the whole wide world to like me.
Something I dread and literally hate in me. If I happen to know that someone thinks of me in a rather unpleasant sort of way, it gets me in the doldrums for a rather very long time. I know, and am always told by friends and family, that I can't expect the entire world to like me. But then, that is just what I actually expect! But, I really am trying to change. I don't want to get hurt coz of my attitude. I know it is never really possible! Ohhh, why can't it be, nay?
3. I am fussy about food.
Yeah, I am really fussy about my food. I cant manage to be near food with Brinjal in it. Just a faint tinge of it makes me feel all sick, and I get the urge to throw up. Well, not a pleasant read, this tag is turning out to be, I understand :P And yeah, I can't handle Fish of any sorts (except Prawns, which I argue to be not really a fish.) I always get lectured to have fish, for its high antioxidant content of omega-3-fatty acids, which is proven to be highly beneficial to health.It actually decreases the risk for atherosclerosis, and myocardial infarction. Well, I got a bit carried away with the medical trivia. Sorry :D
But, I am learning to cook fish delicacies coz Mr.Pea can't even have a bite to eat without fish. Sigh! And my mom loves to see me sweat it out in the kitchen trying to get the fish fry, just right!
4. I can't help not "doing a Monica"!! Sigh!
Yeah, another quirk. Lol. I just can't get the concentration to learn if I find something a wee bit out of place, in my room. Everything, and by everything, I mean Everything!! Right from the paintings and picture frames on the walls being at the right angles, to the rugs being just in its place; from the blanket being folded just right to having the comb in the exact spot, it is supposed to be, everything has to just right on spot. Else I freak out. Well, you can call it "Doing a Monica!!" (F.R.I.E.N.D.S fame...Hehe)
But this quirk is just when I have to study. Else, I don't really mind much if anything's out of place. I can just find my sister glaring at me on reading that. So well, its just me who thinks that way, I realize. Pity, nay?
5. I don't read Newspapers!
Well, it ain't something I am proud of. But, unfortunately it is so very true. I can give you a billion excuses as to why I don't, but none would be true. So, I'd rather not venture into something of that sort. I am always coaxed, and even threatened by Mr.Pea and my parents, to pick up the habit. But I never manage to. I do try to get myself up-to-date about the news though.(courtesy news channels, friends and family..hehe) If you are wondering what is so wrong with the newspapers, I have no answer. I often wonder the same :D
6. I am addicted to getting myself clicked! :D
A highly narcissistic indulgence of mine. It could get real weary for the photographer. Trust me. I am never ever happy with my pics, and the session could go on for hours relentlessly, until I am satisfied (Lol! Satisfied? Now, That is a Joke!) My sis Sona is my self-proclaimed official photographer. And nowadays, as soon as I say the words "snap/ pic/ click/ camera" she scoots, for the love for life, I guess. She always keep warning Mr.Pea of what exactly is in store for him all through his life- The Narcissistic Me and all my indulgences ( Which is a long list, either ways!)
7. I am empathetic
"She's frequently kind..." goes the Billy Joel track. And I guess, I can say that about me.
This is something I have realized about me, through out my college. I don't know if it is for the good, or not. But its something I like about myself. I take extra effort to make people smile. I spend hours to keep company to a lonely friend. I find myself giving away lessons to neighborhood kids prior to their Big exams.I try to do the little little things I can, to help people. I have just started to read out stuff at the geriatric care center in my city. And these are moments I cherish. It brings me more happiness than most times.
8. I am egoistic.
I have had the misfortune of losing friends to misunderstandings. It doesn't happen often, but yeah it has happened. And I have never ever been able to come to terms with it :( And, it not like I don't try. I do. But after a certain effort, I don't. I get egoistic about apologizing for something I haven't been at fault. So there goes the story!
9. I love Kids.
Well you must be wondering who doesn't? Its true. I just adore kids, especially the little ones. Am really good with them too- right from an infant to a toddler to a naughty school going one. And even with teenagers, I am pretty much at ease. And when ever I attend weddings or any such functions, I often end up with a gang of kids whom I have never met before. I just love pampering and getting pampered :)
10. I have tried running away from Home.
Lol. I have tried my hand at running away from home, and that too at the ripe age of 7 I guess :D Call it one of those moments I don't like to think of, now. I still wonder what would have been had I succeeded. I dread thinking of it even. I love my family and friends and my life so much, that I just can't imagine myself far away, leading a life so different from this one. God!! Thank you!!
11. I love the green hopper!
Green hopper!! I kinda love seeing them :P Maybe after my grandma mentioned to me that having green hoppers visiting you, brings good luck and good money!! Hehe!
12. I have the habit of reading all through daily chores.
Yeah, you can always find me with my nose inside a book. I go to sleep reading, and every morn when I wake up, I find my spectacles and book on the bed, sometimes squashed under the pillow. I pick the book, wear the glasses on and move around to the bathroom, reading while I brush my teeth, floss, and even in the loo at most times. (I know it sounds gross!) And breakfast with my book in one hand, off to college with my bag and the book squeezed in. I even read during classes, and break times. And when back at home, I pick my pillow and move onto the terrace, where I have a wide platform attached to the railings, where I can lie down and read. I LOVE IT :)
13. I wish to see Abhishek Bachan at least once in my lifetime!
I am normally not someone obsessed with celebrities. But when it comes to Abhishek Bachan, I could go cranky. I just adore the suave handsome man that he is! Awwww....I better control drooling over him. Hehe. Jokes apart, I really want to meet him once. For what? To get over him! Hehehe!
14. I have weird dreams.
Truly weird , most of my dreams are. Most often with no correlation, no basis and no element of sense to it. The frames keep shifting from one to another within a jiffy, leaving me a string of odd poorly-formed instances. And I try real hard in placing them right, and decipher out what exactly the entire thing meant. But in vain! Just to get you an idea, I'll share one of my recent dreams. Trust me, I actually DID see this stuff.
Scene 01: Room no- 70, Medical College Hostel.
Its exam time. Everyone's busy mugging up. Discussions and combined studies are all over. I am reading something too. And watching everyone work so hard, I get my panic attacks. I just feel like getting away. And I run out of the room, all through the corridor to the door that opens into the backyard, where we have provisions for drying clothes.
Scene 02:The door opens.
I step out of the door to find myself running over Snow! Yeah, its frigging snowy all around, and am dressed in cloaks all off a sudden. I can find my professor running over to catch hold of me. I don't look back.I keep running, and running.
Scene 03:
Pierce Brosnan!! Yes, the ultimate hero, James Bond, materializes in front of me from nowhere. He grabs my hand and pulls me down through a trap door. I am saved. Rescued by him. I look up to thank him.
Scene 04:
I am writing my exam. Time out bell rings. My paper is blank, and its snatched away from me.
I woke up startled after that though! So now, you get the idea, don't you?
15. I had an invisible friend during my childhood.
I remember having an invisible friend during my childhood, who was visible to none but me. I have spent quite a lotta time with this friend of mine. It had got my parents worried, at that point of time. But I did grow out of the fantasy. But what I haven't told them is, I still like to think I have that friend. And I used to address my Personal Diary by this friend's name :)
16. I want to have four kids!!
Hehe!! I really like to have four kids, a dog and a husband :D But, I don't know how practical it would be - with a sailor hubby, my career and blah blah! Well, lets see how we Fare!! Lol!!
17. I enjoy star gazing every single night.
I have a small open terrace adjacent to my bedroom. So every single night I'd take my pillow and lie down on my terrace platform, gazing at those twinkling miracles. Its such a wonderful feeling. I started watching stars after my best friend coaxed me to try it. And I am grateful to him, for introducing me to something this wonderful.
18. I hate hanging wet clothes to dry and folding them neat after drying.
I hate this job. Washing doesn't seem this bad. But hanging it out for drying, sure tires the hell out of me. It irritates me to no extend. And the post drying work- I just long to burn the clothes to avoid folding them.
19. I don't brush twice a day. Once done, am glad!
Yeah, its true. I just brush once daily. I usually sleep off direct on bed, reading- either academic stuff or else fiction. Whatever be it, its not a planned process. And so, I never really brush twice. But I haven't got even a single cavity. So it's well with me, I say :D
20. I trust my instinct and intuition when it comes to people.
I am someone who believes in intuition and mental vibes. Most often than not, I've always been right about people. I trust my instinct and intuition. If it asks me to stay away from someone, I make it a point that I do. And no matter how nice the person could be, I'd still want to keep my distance.
21. I am uncomfortable being at big malls and parties and page -3 lifestyle events.
I don't know why its so. But I prefer the cozy comfort of a small eat-out joint or a book store to a huge mall with all its hangout places. I feel out of place in such a space. It appears to me to be too vibrant, with too much of shocking colours that contrast and contradict. I'd like a quiet stroll down the street, stopping to watch kids and smell some flowers, stopping by a street vendor to have pani puri, and laughing about the good things of life.
22. I hate Cafe Coffee Day. And have vowed never to visit one ever again.
I have one of the the sickest of experiences at a CCD. And ever since, I have vowed to stay away from that bloody place, for good.
23. I love to travel.
Its a beautiful experience to travel. I have had just a hand few trips,that is it. But hopefully, I'll manage to get away once in a while to the quiet solitude of myself.
24. I have been lucky to have found kindness and love always in life.
I have been lucky to have found love, and kindness- at places and times I least expected to. Be it someone offering me my bus fare, when I realized I have forgotten my wallet at home. Or, during an unexpected stranger coming to my aid during an accident. I remember being kissed by a little kid while shopping at for grocery. I have always found companionship through out my life. And I consider myself to be special, coz I have had some special moments as these.
25. I am a sucker for tags, I realize :P
I have just realized something random about myself, here. That I am in love with tags.Hehe. I found myself tagged today eve, when I opened my blog. And I just couldn't resist getting it done, despite of having one more exam to be done with. Well, I don't really care. I enjoyed doing this. And so I am pretty happy that I did this one, sparing no time to waste!!
So, there I am. All done with this tag! I am not tagging anyone in here. Anyone and everyone is free to pick up this Tag and get it done! So do tell me how well I have done this one?!?!
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